February 6, 2008 – Coming up for air

I learned to swim at the local YMCA back when I was five, which is Adam’s age current age.  While I have enjoyed swimming for many years now, I still remember several occasions thinking I am surely going to drown.  That edge of the pool seemed like a mile away and the instructor’s hand was always just out of reach.  The first time I sank was terribly frightening, as the choking and gasping for air was enough for me to tell my mother that I was through.  Still, I came back again and again until I figured out how to stay afloat.  It took a while, and I certainly choked and gasped many more times since then.  Nonetheless, I finally learned how to come up for air, and swimming transformed from a fearful event to one I enjoy each summer with my family.

Since the birth of Katelynn and Daria, I felt like I was brought back to the days when I first began to swim.  So many times this week, Jenn-Jen and I felt the pressure of our emotions drowning us in despair, yet we would receive a short reprieve and come up for air.  Right now, we have surfaced again.  Daria came through her surgery to repair her heart murmur with the strength and determination to survive.  Like her sister, Katelynn, she remained stable post-operation and continues to rest with the help of Fentanyl.  Her vital signs are looking very positive and she appears to be very comfortable the last time I visited her tonight.  They say that one twin can’t do something without the other, but I really would hope that they stop copying each other with these stressful events.  Jenn-Jen and I could certainly use a little more rest and a little less worry. 

Katelynn is doing very well today, and we understand that the pediatric surgeon that performed both of our daughters’ PDA surgical ligation procedures will be swinging by sometime in the evening to put in the Broviac line.  I’m just glad that there wasn’t anything too exciting to report with our daughter who has gone through so much in her short lifetime already.  Katelynn did move over to another part of the room, as the RSV outbreak yesterday opened up a different spot that makes it more convenient for everyone overall.  I may have mentioned that the baby that used to be next to Katelynn was in “isolation” status, which means that there is a certain level of care that must be taken when anyone comes into contact.  This not only applies to the baby, but any items nearby.  As a result, there are taped borders to remind everyone to not cross into the isolation zone without being scrubbed up, gloved up and in the right gown.  For Jenn-Jen and me, this meant that it was always a little tight on one side of Katelynn’s incubator when we came to visit.  There is so much more room to work with now, so we are very pleased.  

Now that my daughters are in better shape, I need to turn my concern to my wife.  Jenn-Jen complained about some sharp pain near her C-section incision site yesterday, and the discomfort progressed to the point where she could not walk without agony today.  We happened to see her obstetrician in the hallway, as he was doing his rounds at the hospital today.  Due to liability issues, he was not able to see Jenn-Jen on the floor, so had us call into his office to arrange for an appointment in the afternoon.  After seeing Katelynn and Daria resting comfortably, we drove a couple of miles away to the doctor’s office.  About an hour later, we were happy to se the obstetrician come through the door and the staff informed us that he would be seeing Jenn-Jen shortly.  After performing a quick assessment, he ruled out any signs of post-surgical infection and concluded that Jenn-Jen may have injured a muscle in her abdomen.  We were initially concerned because Jenn-Jen was still taking Norco and Ibuprofen, but the doctor gave us the option of have a CAT scan ordered to determine if there is any other underlying problem.  As the pain was not accompanied by any other symptoms, we decided to wait it out and make sure Jenn-Jen gets plenty of rest.  I took her home and all seems better now.

Adam and I went back to the hospital this evening to attend the Sibling Social put together by the Child Life Specialists at Sutter Memorial Hospital.  The event takes place every first Wednesday of the month, and it allows the big brothers and sisters of babies in the NICU to get together to do some fun activities in a safe and nurturing environment.  Adam was very proud that he was able to make Valentines Day hand puppets for his little sisters and himself.  He also indulged himself in the nice chocolates provided at the party.  While Adam worked on his crafts, I met up with my mother, one of my sisters and her husband back at the NICU.  I took my mom in to see the twins and gave her a brief update of today’s events.  As the NICU only allows one other person to accompany a parent during a patient visit, I escorted my mom outside to bring in another family member.  As my sister hasn’t had the chance to see either Katelynn or Daria yet, I was excited to give her the opportunity tonight.  We were so disappointed to find out that the nurses’ shift change was taking place, and we were told that we would have to wait thirty minutes before we could come back in.  Unfortunately, my sister needed to go and pick up my nephew, so she wasn’t able to stay any longer.  I promised her that she would have some time as early as tomorrow to see the girls.

Throughout my previous posts, I have spent much time and effort documenting my thoughts and emotions as we journey through a taxing time.  I wanted to take a little time now to share with you what Jenn-Jen has been going through, and more importantly, how you can be praying for her.  One of the greatest issues that my wife fights with daily is guilt.  When we talk, Jenn-Jen will often tell me how horrible she feels when she sees Katelynn and Daria struggling to survive, and how unfair it is that they should be battling for their lives without her help.  Jenn-Jen will say that the girls should still be in her womb, swimming around as comfortably as they can in the shared space, but they would be protected from the harshness of the external world.  Every time my wife looks at a calendar and sees the upcoming obstetrician visits or ultrasounds that were scheduled for the months to come, I can feel her pain and almost hear her thinking it’s so unfair for Katelynn and Daria to be here so early.  I know that things do happen for a reason which is often unknown, and may remain unknown for some time, but my heart breaks a little more each time I see my precious bride in tears.  While Jenn-Jen knows that she did the best that she could have done, she still hurts so deeply whenever our daughters are put through another test of their lives.  Please spend some time praying for Jenn-Jen to heal emotionally and find the peace that only the Lord can provide.  As much as I love Jenn-Jen, and as much as I can offer her comfort and support, I personally go through episodes of guilt and find that the only remedy has been through Him whom I trust.

Thank you my dear family and friends for continuing to walk by our sides through the hills and valleys.  If I haven’t said it enough, we are honored by you and count ourselves truly blessed.

         

February 6, 2008 – Waiting as Daria is in surgery

I am sitting here in the Surgery waiting room and the monitor on the wall tells me that Daria entered the Operating Room ten minutes ago at 12:34 PM.  Jenn-Jen is in the lactation pump room, as she needs to keep up her milk supply for the twins.  I am continuously praying for a smooth operation and trying my best not to be anxious.  As Katelynn had the same procedure done only two days ago, I am very aware of what to expect.  There is still that one percent chance of heavy bleeding, so they are keeping a supply of blood in the OR as a precaution.  I will update this post later in the afternoon or evening with news.  Dear family and friends, keep the prayers coming.