February 16, 2008 – Pain management

In writing this journal, I spend most of my time addressing how my girls are doing.  I also try to paint a picture of my emotional state, as well as what I am experiencing with my interactions with Jenn-Jen and Adam.  As the day and evening unfolds, sometimes I capture little nuggets of information I think would be noteworthy to share.  I admit that when the words do come, they do not always give justice to the actual events, thoughts or emotions behind them.  As much as I would like to provide a complete snapshot of everything on my mind, the picture is often very subjective and only represent my interpretation.  I learned a very good lesson of this last night when Jenn-Jen and I had some time to sit down and talk.

Since Katelynn and Daria’s births, our lives have been completely consumed with everything happening around us.  I suppose you could say that our days are filled with reactions to the onslaught of changes, and it feels like we are trying to climb up a moutain just to gain a little more control of our lives.  I think the last time Jenn-Jen and I had a significant heart to heart discussion was well over a week ago, so it was long overdue to talk about how we were doing.

Jenn-Jen and I have been married now for almost nine years, and as much as I think I know my wife, I have to admit I learned a few things I need to keep near and dear to my heart.  Throughout the past few weeks, I have shared countless tears with Jenn-Jen and often it is easy to presume that we are crying for the same reasons.  I could not have been more wrong.  In our talk last night, I discovered that I become an emotional wreck everytime I feel either Katelynn or Daria are in danger of losing their fight to survive.  Jenn-Jen, on the other hand, suffers the most whenever she thinks about the pain the girls are going through.  Both of us want to put our complete trust in God to guide us through our fears and doubts, and both of us want to place our faith in the care Katelynn and Daria are receiving.  Yet, we are affected differently when unexpected or unfavorable news arrives.

When I asked Jenn-Jen to help me better understand this difference, she really laid it out in a way that helped me be a better husband to her.  My wife feels so helpless when she thinks about how Katelynn and Daria may be experiencing pain, but are helpless in communicating the fact.  The nurses tell us they watch for increases in blood pressure, respiratory and heart rates, as well as facial expressions to assess if the girls are hurting.  What upsets Jenn-Jen is the thought that either or both of our daughters are experiencing pain while the nurse is not present, or if their pain is not properly interpreted.

I try to convince myself that the girls will not remember any of this pain and keep telling myself as long as they are not in danger of losing their lives, we will make it through.  I must admit that my way of thinking is unintentionally callous, but I now realize that it is also my way of coping.  To manage my personal emotional pain, I tell myself to look further down the road and thinking that whatever the girls are dealing with will soon pass.  You can call it optimism, faith or looking at the big picture, but the reality is, this way of thinking does not address what is affecting Katelynn and Daria here and now.  In my efforts to keep myself emotionally stable, I may have unintentionally alienated Jenn-Jen and made her feel more alone in her personal suffering.

I am so glad we had the chance to talk and strongly believe opportunities to communicate like this strengthens our marriage so much in troubled times.  Even though at times it may seem like I am coping better, I am just as scared as Jenn-Jen.