February 28, 2008 – One month

Today marks Katelynn and Daria’s first month of life.  Happy birthday to our sweet little angels!  God has been so faithful to us as we witness our two miracles who are small in size, but certainly not in in spirit.  Since their births on January 28th, we have watched them work so hard at life.  All of us have come a long way since those first days of uncertainty kept us in fear and despair.  Reading through my previous journal posts has really shown me how the Lord has worked within me and my family to give us strength when we had none left and hope when everything seemed so bleak.  It’s still extremely painful for me to remember when the girls’ doctor told us that we should consider whether we want to continue life support for Katelynn.   I can’t even begin to imagine the agony we would have undertaken had we been convinced that our daughter’s quality of life would not justify continuing the measures taken to keep her alive.  I watched both of my girls tonight at the NICU and thought to myself, how can a sweet and innocent life given to us by God be dismissed so easily by so many?  Jenn-Jen and I deeply love our children without any conditions, disclaimers or exit clauses.  There is absolutely nothing to be debated about the issue and we firmly stand by our girls through any potential affliction, disability or challenge.  Just being able to share that helps me feel so reaffirmed in my hope and faith.

As the girls celebrate their first month of life, my parents asked if they could come by the hospital to bring gifts.  As a Chinese cultural tradition, Katelynn and Daria each received Chinese red envelopes with a small gift of cash and another red envelope with a 24K gold necklace.  The twins are definitely still to small to wear jewelry, but it was very thoughtful of Grandma and Grandpa to visit and spend time with the twins.

Daria’s respiratory system is still working hard to develop fully, so she is still subject to the occasional bradycardia and oxygen desaturations.  Katelynn is doing well and the neonatologist is considering bringing the tap of cerebrospinal fluid back down to once a day.  Both girls are now taking full feedings that have adjusted to run at ten milliliters an hour for two hours, followed by a break of one hour without milk.  I’m not sure if this change takes adjustment for the twins, but Katelynn did throw up some milk while I was holding her tonight.  With a little wipe down and a fresh, warm blanket, everything went back to normal fairly quickly.

Tomorrow is Friday and Adam will be spending the night at my parents’ house.  I am really looking forward to spending some quality time with Jenn-Jen, which has been overdue for a while now.  Thank you all for your date night suggestions, which will come in very handy.  In the midst of our parenthood crisis and making sure Adam is feeling loved by his mom and dad, it is of the utmost importance to recharge the batteries in our marriage.  I wouldn’t mind spending a simple quiet evening just talking and sharing our thoughts over a cup of coffee and dessert.  Peace and quiet sure does sound good right now…      

February 28, 2008 – Eyes

Not everyone knows about my silicone implant.  About ten years ago, I noticed something very odd while I was running on the treadmill at the gym.  When I looked at objects, vertical lines and edges appeared straight, and then a small section would look wavy and distorted.  This was very disturbing and a cause of alarm, so I immediately made a doctor’s appointment to find out what was wrong with me.  An ophthalmologist came in, dilated my pupils and shone a painfully glaring light in my eyes.  He asked if I had eaten within the last eight hours and when I said yes, the doctor informed me that I would need to go to the hospital first thing in the morning to undergo surgery.  The retina in my right eye had experienced a tear and the underlying fluid was causing enough pressure to begin detachment.  If I did not go home and keep my head steady until the operation, there would be a possibility I would completely lose sight in my right eye. 

The next morning was filled with anxiety, as the thought of eye surgery made me wonder how much pain I would experience recovering.  As I understood the procedure, called a sceleral buckle, I would be put under general anesthesia while the retinal specialist essentially pulls my eye out of its socket.  From there, he would attach a silicone band to the globe of the eye, and this band would create a squeeze bringing the detaching retina closer to the wall of my eye.  An extremely cold instrument would then be applied to spots along the tear, and this would basically weld the retina back on with scar tissue.  Once completed, my eye would be put back into the socket and I would be sent home with pain killers to recover over the course of the next few days.  The surgery went very well, although I remember feeling a very weird tugging feeling around my eye as I drifted into induced sleep.  Fortunately I still have my vision, but my eyesight was significantly impacted by the procedure.  To this day, I wear the silicone band around my right eye and it’s a good thing I don’t feel a thing.

Why I am sharing with you about my retinal detachment and subsequent surgery is because Katelynn and Daria experienced their first pupil dilation and retinal examination this evening.  Very premature babies run the risk of impaired vision development, called retinopathy of prematurity, or ROP, (http://www.ropard.org/learning/), so this is of vital importance to us.  Blood vessels within the eyes of premature infants are immature and often have not had the opportunity to grow from the back of the eye in the optic nerve to the retina.  Impaired vision and blindness are potential risks of ROP, so the girls will have ongoing follow-up exams to monitor their vision.

From what I have heard from the nurses as well as other parents, the eye exams are very uncomfortable for the babies and the ophthalmologist prefer to have parents wait outside while the examination is being performed.  When I arrived at the NICU this evening, the exam had already been completed for a couple of hours.  Unfortunately, the manipulation and the medication used to help dilate the girls’ eyes caused Daria to vomit.  She threw up about six milliliters of milk, which is a full hourly feeding for her.  Additionally, the nurse was able to draw twelve milliliters of air from Daria’s belly, so she was very full before the vomiting happened.  Feedings were slowed to three milliliters per hour for two hours to help Daria’s digestive system recuperate.

Both girls were resting quietly and I agreed to wait until tomorrow to hold them.  It will be about another two weeks before the next eye examination takes place, an I hope the experience will be much smoother.  I am quite exhausted tonight, so I should have no problems falling asleep soon.