October 29, 2008 to December 9, 2008 – Breaking the Silence with Hope

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Romans 5:1-5 New International Version

It has been well over a month since I have posted a blog entry, and while there is much to share, I honestly feel overwhelmed by a mix of frustration, lethargy and shame.  Through a quiet moment of prayer tonight, I felt compelled to gather my fleeting thoughts and focus my energy on transforming the negativity into a productive time of writing.  The Lord prompted me to the fifth chapter of the apostle Paul’s letter to the Romans, and in the quiet calm of the evening, He reminded me I need to cease in my futile attempts to solve all my problems alone.  To properly set the stage and provide context as to while I have been silent for so long, please bear with me as I take you along the past month and share where I believe I have failed.

Since the end of October, life as it stands in my home has been very difficult.  Actually, “very difficult” may be more of an understatement… downright frustrating might be an accurate assessment.  In my last post I had explained how Jenn-Jen and I have been focusing our energy in maintaining Katelynn and Daria’s nutrition, and in many ways, it has been an ongoing battle.  Now that nearly a month and a half has passed, I stand here weary and regret to report that the frustration of failure is, unfortunately, outweighing the joy of success.  It is simply beginning to feel as if we are losing the war against Daria’s aversion to feeding.  All of our concentrated effort to ensure our girls are receiving enough calories has resulted in a spike in our stress levels, a drastic reduction in patience and what I believe is De Quervain’s Tenosynovitis (http://www.medicinenet.com/de_quervains_tenosynovitis/article.htm).  The later is a form of tendon inflammation often resulting from repetitive stress on the wrist, and unfortunately, is a price Jenn-Jen and I both have paid in our attempts to boost our twins’ nutritional intake by carrying them during feeding times.  I am going to contact my physician to see what options are best to help us both remedy the pain that has been with us for over a month now.

On a positive note, with the help of our feeding therapist, we have made strides in breaking through Katelynn’s feeding aversion.  I am very happy to report that Katelynn is now quite an easy feeder, even more so than a month or two ago.  Most of our feeding sessions take place in her bouncer seat, which is, thankfully, stress-free on our wrists.  Katelynn still requires us to hold her (and not be seated) to feed when she is tired, but this is truly a small price to pay when we see the fruits of our labor through the end result of the empty bottle.  If Daria could only emulate her sister, we would honestly have nothing to complain about.

My friends and family, in writing this post, I hesitate to share about our feeding struggles, as I really feel as if I am some sort of automated message on an endless loop.  Feedings have been our bane ever since the little light in Katelynn and Daria’s developing brains switched on and informed them that their drinking and sucking is no longer a reflex, but a voluntary behavior.  Coupling this with their acid reflux makes for an extremely unpleasant experience, no matter the fact that we are combating that negativity with daily medication, continuous positive reinforcement and somewhat increasingly unsuccessful attempts to maximize calories in smaller volumes of formula and soft foods such as rice or oatmeal cereal.  I think what is most challenging for me is to explain our troubles to others that are under the assumption that babies just drink from the breast or bottle effortlessly and peacefully like angels.  Adam had never given Jenn-Jen this level of challenge while he was nursing, so we keep trying to tell ourselves that we are really not creating our own troubles out of the stress we feel.  Sometimes I just wish others could spend a day in our shoes just to understand how unbelievably hard it is to just make it to the peace of the nighttime. 

Despite all of this often unbearable stress that has become nothing short of an unwelcomed housemate to us, I am desperately trying to remind myself that God brought these two miracles into our lives nearly ten months ago for a reason.  He has given them to the stewardship and parenthood of Jenn-Jen and me this far, and it is undoubtedly His hand that has granted them the gift of life from the doorsteps of death.  I began this evening feeling frustrated that Daria does not want to feed, lethargic from the battering we have come to expect every three hours during the girls’ waking hours, and completely ashamed that I have failed as a parent.  God has intervened and spoke the two words of “perseverance” and “hope” to provide me with His peace and sanctuary that has seemingly been absent for weeks now.  The road has not been easy, and the mere thought that suffering can lead to hope escapes my simple logic.  Nonetheless, I look at Katelynn and Daria sleeping in their cribs tonight and tell myself how blessed I am to have them both here.

There will be more to come tomorrow.  For now, rest beckons.